I opened up to you about why I quit Beachbody (Click here if you haven’t read that post yet), but I also mentioned that I was going to start focusing on eating better and moving more. I mentioned following a calorie counting method like Andie from Can You Stay For Dinner? did for herself and her mom (Check out her blog – she is amazing), but what I haven’t talked a lot about is just how hard it is for me to lose weight.
I briefly mentioned things like anxiety before, but a big part of that is stress eating and binge eating my emotions. There are times that I start eating out of stress or boredom, and I can’t seem to stop. I will eat myself sick, and then spend the rest of the day/night hating on myself for eating that much.
I would be lying to you if I said I was happy with the person I am right now. No, I’m not just saying that because I’m fat, this goes so much deeper than my appearance. I have struggled with self-confidence most of my life. I craved attention, and when no one would give it to me, I ate instead. Now I crave sweets just as much, if not more, than I do people noticing me. In fact, since I feel ugly inside and out, I’d rather you not pay attention to me while I scarf down these cupcakes.
My lack of self-confidence is why I have failed so many times in trying to lose this weight. I can’t motivate myself because I don’t believe in myself. I feel worthless most of the time, like I can’t do anything right. I have shoved all of this self doubt down my throat for as many years as I’ve been shoving down chips and cookies and extra helpings of everything. What’s left is a shell of the person I used to be.
Sometimes I can control my environment enough so that the people around me don’t realize that I’m struggling, that I’m not at all confident or okay. As long as I don’t get too stressed out, I can maintain this for a long time, even years. The second another stressor gets added to my life though, I crack. I can’t keep up, and people start noticing that I’m not the person they think I am. The person they think I am is a lie, a shield blocking the real me who is crying and broken and so afraid of life that most of the time she doesn’t even show up.
I want to show up. I’m so sick of being afraid. I want to believe in myself, and trust myself. I want to take care of myself and be proud of myself. I am taking steps to this end, but I know it is a long, long road I am just starting to travel. I must be patient with myself, and I must be gentle with myself because I’m so very fragile right now. But I’m also exposed like I’ve never been before. You know my deepest, darkest secrets now. Please be patient and please, please be gentle.
I’m adding this last part on before I hit publish because I didn’t want to sound hopeless. I know it can be done, it’s just going to take me longer than I ever wanted because of all the mess I’ve buried in myself that has to be dug up and dealt with first. I don’t know how long it will take, but you’re welcome to come along with me as I figure it out.