Can I be honest with you? Most of my days are spent going through the motions, getting household chores done, and then spending the rest of my time beating myself up for not being more accomplished. I get so wrapped up in all the things that I should be doing, or even want to be doing, that none of them get done.
My Christmas tree is still up. No, I’m not joking. It isn’t as if I’ve been lighting it every night and enjoying it either. No, it’s up because I’m lazy. And overwhelmed. And exhausted. Did I mention lazy? It ends up being easily overlooked because it’s out of the ordinary. Something not on my usual list of things to do in a day. Honestly, if it’s not work, sleep, laundry, dishes, or figuring out meals, it doesn’t get done. Which is also why my passport application was filled out and printed and continues to sit on my desk 3 weeks later.
If any of this sounds like you, I want you to know that you’re not alone. (I also want to assure myself that I’m not alone!) In this age of picture perfect social media lives, I want you to know that I’m here struggling. I’m eating boxed mac and cheese more often than I’ll admit to anyone but you. I’m the Queen of living out of the laundry basket all week. Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. Well, okay, maybe only Instagram, but I don’t love the feeling that I have to be perfect to compete with everyone else on there. Heck, half the time I don’t even do anything worthy of capturing, let alone get a good enough shot that I want to post it for all of you to see.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forced myself to be social in the name of the blog, and then gotten through said event without taking a single photo. Crap, so now what do I do about Instagram, and my blog post? Do I dare write a post without any visuals? Everything I read about blogging and this generation’s lack of attention span says one of the biggest faux pas EVER is posting blogs without photos.
So, back to the beginning. Can I be honest with you? I’m not a good photographer. I’ve bought manuals for my camera and online courses on how to take better pictures, but they sit untouched. I’d love to learn, someday. Maybe. Most of the time I don’t even feel like I’m a good writer, or that I even have anything worth sharing with you. But then, for a tiny little sliver in time I think, maybe that’s what I have to offer. At least for now, because someday I’d love to wow you with my awesome photos, but maybe right now you just need someone in your corner that doesn’t have any of her stuff figured out. Maybe you need me being messy and real to keep you from feeling bad about how messy and confused you are.
Or maybe you’ll skim through this and ignore it since it doesn’t have photos and you’ll think I’m wasting your time and this space. But maybe that’s okay, too. All my life, I have feared failure and uncertainty, and the unknown, and what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I’m realizing that that way of living is probably why I’m approaching my 31st birthday feeling like I haven’t got anything to show for myself. That I don’t have anything worthwhile to share with you. More than realizing just how wrong I’ve been, I think I’m starting to acknowledge that being wrong all this time is okay. Do I want to always be wrong? Of course not. But my being here, the way I am, may be exactly the person you need to get you through your time of uncertainty. Your doubt and fear and mundane daily chores.
Let’s make a plan to be real with each other. I’ll keep posting my ridiculous pictures of food and sunsets and pretend like I have an amazing Instagram life, but I’ll also keep reminding you that I’m the girl sitting on her couch typing this out and staring at my Christmas tree. In April.