I keep sitting down to write this post and hesitating. I don’t know what to say about turning 30. I still don’t even really know how I feel about it. So many older and wiser friends have told me varying degrees of, “30 is so young!” and, “30 is when things really started for me.” Even one of my favorite bloggers and cookbook authors, Gina Homolka pointed out that she didn’t start her blog until after she was 30.
Then there’s the adages about life not being a race, enjoy where I am, I have so much more time and so many experiences ahead of me. While I do tend to believe this, I also know that there’s a certain level of cockiness involved in that statement, usually completely unintended but there nonetheless. You see, not one of these well-meaning people can actually guarantee that I will live a long, healthy, adventure-filled life. My own dear aunt passed away at the age of 48. Unexpectedly, as you can imagine. Just think if she had been approaching her friends and family, bemoaning the thought of turning 49 and then, ugh, 50. Think of all those well-meaning people telling her she has such a long healthy life ahead of her and so much more time to accomplish all of her hopes and dreams.
At the risk of making this a complete downer of a post, I’m not guaranteed anything beyond this moment. What I’ve accomplished up until today may very well be the only thing that I will get, and that’s what I regret. I look back at the past 30 years and see just how much of that time was spent in fear, and it makes me so sad. Yes, I am working on myself. Yes, I am moving forward and achieving goals and becoming more of the person I always wanted to be. It just makes me so sad to think of all the time I hid from the world, from my potential, from myself.
I don’t want you to think that I’m spending my weekend sulking and moping about the house. No, I’ve actually been quite busy with friends and family (more of that in a different post) but I would be lying to you if I didn’t mention the quiet moments of reflection, the somber realities, and yes, even the few tears shed over this monumental birthday.
30 looks to be an exciting year full of change, adventure, and growth. I look forward to every moment of it, and truly appreciate all of the well wishes, encouragement, and support I’ve received leading up to it. I just couldn’t stay silent on the bittersweet thoughts that have accompanied this day. For someone like myself who has struggled with anxiety most of my life, this happy event is also marred by a dose of regret and disappointment. Something I’m working to overcome, but something there.
Later this week I’ll be back with a happier post on my birthday and a look at my July goals for The Road to Nashville!