There have been two separate occasions in the past month where people have called me crazy or been shocked by something I’ve done. I take that to mean I’m doing something right. It’s usually the dreamers, the think outside of the box-ers that get labeled crazy, and I’ll take that label any day.
Most of my life has been hidden behind the shadow of my fear and anxiety. I don’t often do things that surprise others. I take the safe bet and settle into my comfort zone on a regular basis. If I’m being honest with myself, though, that’s not where I want to be. I want to be the one that’s jetting across the ocean to stay with someone I don’t really know or the one that gets in line twelve hours before a general admission concert to get front row.
People don’t understand why I would do that, and that’s completely okay. I’m not meant to live my life the way that makes the most sense to everyone but me. I think we’re all quick to say, “Follow your dreams!” but then we get confused when that person’s dreams don’t fit into the box we have for them. It’s not to stay that we all maliciously want people to be stuck on the ground when they want to fly. No, I believe to some extent, we’re all afraid of change and things that are different. So we’re quick to encourage the safe route, the “normal” way of doing things, because it makes us feel safe.
It’s been a challenge for me to not care what people think about me. To the point where I’ve even been hesitant to admit who my favorite band is because there are people that would make fun of me. That’s just sad, on my part, and on the other person’s part who would make fun of someone for something as harmless as a favorite band. Why are we so quick to tear down other people’s passions and happiness?
This past month has had me feeling closer to the person I used to be than I have been in a long time. I know I can’t just go back and “be” that girl, but I’m happy to see her personality shine through again in new and exciting ways. I’ve gained independence and made new friends. I’ve rediscovered a passion for music and the encouragement some good lyrics can provide. I’ve trusted myself, and put my trust in others as well.
Am I doing well in every aspect of my life? Of course not. In fact, here’s an example of just how funny life can be: I had the best weekend, full of adventure and growth and fun, and I ended it by waking up Monday morning sicker than I’ve been in a long time. Follow that up with my car breaking two days later. Isn’t that just life? Highs and lows. But let me tell you, as much as I’ve hated being sick and without a car this week, I’ve handled it so much better because of the amazing weekend I had before it. I was feeling so good about my progress and myself that even some pretty crappy setbacks didn’t fully bring me down. This has all been a reminder that I just have to keep putting myself out there, because the more I do, the better I’ll be able to weather the not so great things that are bound to pop up.
Honestly, that’s why I’m here, talking to you. I felt inspired for the first time in a long time, and I wanted to write. Sure I had to wait a few days for my brain to clear a bit from all the congestion, but that drive remained whereas before it would have been a tiny flicker of a flame, gone out at the slightest hint of a breath. Now that I’m here, I must keep finding ways to stay alive. As always, you’ll be some of the first to hear about it when I do.